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Anonymous/Famous People Quotes

 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-Rodney Dangerfield-

 

"What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"

-George Carlin-

 

When you are in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out.  Your best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn that was fun!"

-Anonymous- (This was my senior quote for the yearbook!)

 

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

-Anonymous-

 

If I'm not back in five minutes......just wait longer!

-Jim Carey in Ace Ventura-

 

Read the following paragraph quickly without pausing to think about it.  It is truly uber cool:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Sweet Huh?

 

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful."

- Anonymous-

 

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of
Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all
the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you 
would have $79. 
 
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

No, I don't really, but it's funny to think about.

 

Welcome to another B-E-A-utiful day!

Jim Carey in "Bruce Almighty"

 

Go see "Kill Bill".  It opens at tomorrow.

-Conan O'Brien

 

Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.

-Francois de la Rouchefoucal-

 

Did you know that the average elephant passes enough gas each day to propel a car 20 miles?  True fact.

 

Hey Crapface!  Why dontcha blow it out your ear.

Your friend, Strong Bad

 

You cannot eat plutonium.

-Colin Powell-

 

Homer:  Bart, don't swear!............You're not in school.

 

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

- Red Buttons-

 

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

I'd miss you heaps and think of you often!

-Anonymous-
 

No just cause can be advanced by terrorism.

-Colin Powell-

 

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

-Anonymous-

 

Being happy is like pissing on yourself.  Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

-Anonymous-

 

A woman walks up to a man at a bar and says, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink," to which he replied, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

-Anonymous-

 

Threeve

-"French Stewart" on SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy-

 

Obviously you're not a golfer.

-The Dude in The Big Lebowski-

 

Smokey, this is not 'Nam.  This is bowling.  There are rules.

-Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski-

 

Men who need glasses

sometimes make passes

at women who are already their wives.

-Red Green-

 

Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati

(When all else fails, play dead)

-Possum Lodge Motto-

 

I'm a clinically depressed fecalphiliac.

-Southpark's Kyle-

 

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous.  Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

-Dick Martin-

 

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

-Anonymous-

 

Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippy.  And hippies suck!

-Southpark's Cartman-

 

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

-Anonymous- (This is so me...)

 

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

-Anonymous-

 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

-Anonymous-

 

A man who is convinced he possesses freedom of choice or free will has a greater sense of responsibility than a person who thinks that total determinism rules the universe and human life.

-Philosopher Corliss Lamont-

 

Lisa: God has called me to lead the French to victory!

Homer: We're French....we don't even have a word for it.

 

You dumbasses...I'm a mental patient...I'm supposed to act out!

-Brad Pitt as Jeffery in "12 Monkeys"-

 

Six high quality balls for recreation and family use.  Weighted and rounded for consistent bounce.

-My bro sent me this off the back of a ping pong ball package-

 

The heart has its reasons of which the reason knows nothing. The heart feels God, not the reason. This is what constitutes faith: God experienced by the heart, not by the reason.

-Blaise Pascal-

 

That is the most pungent thing I have ever smelled....and I am from India!

-Apu on the Simpsons-

 

But its Valentines Day...God wants us to do it!
-Homer, to Marge-

 

My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq Is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change .   Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism.

I answer them by  saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.

-I think that if Bush were to actually give this speech, it would be the most brilliant political speech and brilliant political move the world has ever seen...-

 

We had gay burglars the other night.  They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

-Robin Williams-

 

After watching Melvin Mora feed his quintuplets during a lunch break, DH Rafael Palmeiro announced that he will stop taking Viagra.

-Jim Caple-

 

A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out.  When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

-Anonymous-

 

Adam Sandler project is to "50 First Dates" as....yes, that's right, Michael Jackson is to 50 first graders.

-Conan O'Brien-

 

It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got.

-Sheryl Crow-

 

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-Groucho Marx-

 

Marge, I've screwed up everything I've ever done.  I mean...look at Bart...

-Homer-

 

Norm & Cliff on "Darwin and Beer"
I haven't heard anyone explain this great mystery as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers.


One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm...
"Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

-Anonymous away message-

 

Blessing gay unions and/or ordaining homosexual people who are openly engaged in sexual relations...constitute actions that are neither loving nor just because they both violate the will of God and compromise the moral witness of the Church.

-Philip Turner, Theological advisor to the Board of the American Anglican Council-

 

Education is a wonderful gift...but it's no X Box.

-From a Mountain Dew commercial-

 

They loved him up and turned him into a  hhhooorny toad!

-O Brother, Where Art Though-

 

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

-Standup comic on Comedy Central-

 

What's the difference between all the women I've liked and Charles Manson?  Manson had the decency to look like a nut when you first met him.

-Richard Jenni-

 

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.

-A congressional candidate in Texas-

 

If we let them go in and cut down all the trees, we won't have a problem with forest fires.

-George Bush-

 

Christ is not only the founder of the community of believers, but in a real sense he is the community because it is through the community that the saving reality of Christ is made effective in the world.

-Father Jerome Murphy-O'Connor-

 

Peggy Hill, to Bill:

Even in France they'd notice your smell!

 

I'm not exactly father material...I curse, I drink, I pick fights with homeless people...

-Krusty the Klown-

 

So yeah, something must not be going right for me since my fortune cookie the other day read:
"An admirer is concealing his affection for you."
 

Fly fishing is the most fun you can have standing up.

-Arnold Gingrich-

 

Cartman:  Stan, could you hurry it up?  I'm freezing my ass off!

Kyle:  You need to freeze some of your ass off!

 

Cartman:  Perhaps a reward is in order?  Gold?........Frankensteinsense?

 

Cartman:  Ahhhh!  Ben Affleck spoog!

 

"Pagan religion was on the whole a religion with neither a metaphysic nor an ethic.  With Christianity it is in both cases completely otherwise.  To the Christian faith belong [1] its justification and foundation by means of reason (and therefore theology or dogmatics in the broad sense of that word), and [2] implications for the lifestyle of the believer (and therefore ethics or morals).  To put it another way, faith and religion require in the Christian understanding both [2] the love of neighbor and [1] a claim to the truth of that to which faith testifies that has been established rationally.  On the basis of this character, which among other things it inherited from Judaism, Christianity had an effect upon the culture (and not just narrowly the religion) of antiquity so transformative that Western culture right down to the present day remains influenced by it."
-Alfons Fürst-

 

Cartman: CRIPPLE FIGHT!

 

A Letter, courtesy of Eric Paulsen's away message:


I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several very nice vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job, my home. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to ensure President Bush's defeat in the next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants me to in order to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go! Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
 

Sincerely, Saddam Hussein

 

Some people look at me and see a certain swagger.  In Texas, we call that...walking.

George W. Bush

 

You made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.

-Saint Augustine-

 

Men, using plows, replaced women, who had relied on hoes.

-Excerpt from C'Mac's history textbook, Created Equal, pg. 288-

-Just gotta love things quoted out of context!-

 

A strictly mathematical viewpoint on the concept of giving 100%:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?
 

Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:

If:   A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W Y Z is represented as:
       1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far this will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull Shit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
 

Peter Griffin: Hey!  There's a message in my Alphabits!  It says "oooooo"!

Brian (the dog): Those are Cheerios Peter.

 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife

1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

 

There is no safe investment.  To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.

-C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves"-

 

We were made for God.  Only by being in some respect like Him, only by being a manifestation of His beauty, loving-kindness, wisdom or goodness, has any earthly Beloved excited our love.

-C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves"-

 

Perhaps, for many of us, all experience merely defines, so to speak, the shape of that gap where our love of God ought to be.  It is not enough.  It is something.  If we cannot "practice the presence of God", it is something to practice the absence of God, to become increasingly aware of our unawareness.

-C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves"-

 

The aim of Christian courtship is to: "help you place God squarely in the middle of you love life - to show that the journey from friendship to matrimony, from "How do you do?" to "I do," should be viewed as an opportunity to revel in the joys of love as well as to enjoy, honor, and glorify the Creator of love."

-Josh Harris, "Boy Meets Girl"-

 

Marissa: Hey!  Who are you?

Ryan: Whoever you want me to be.

 

You don't love a woman because she is beautiful.  She is beautiful because you love her.

 -Anonymous-

 

Lois: Awh Peter, you're drunk again.

Peter: No I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinkin'.

 

"Question the beauty of the earth, question the beauty of the sea, question the beauty of the air distending and diffusing itself, question the sky...question all these realities. All respond: "See, we are beautiful." Their beauty is a profession. These beauties are subject to change. Who made them if not the Beautiful One who is not subject to change?"


-Saint Augustine-

 

Woman was not taken from man's head, to rule over him, nor from his foot, to be crushed by him, but from under his arm, to be protected, and from near his heart, to be loved.

-Mildred North-

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